May 4, 1999
They're just playing the jazzy coming-on music and stuff right now, so let me start by saying that I sympathize with your condition and I hope that I never suffer such a burden. At least you can read with your fingers, eh? OK, something's happening. Oh, God, Daisy Fuentes is coming out. I mean she's really coming out of her dress. Can't beat it. Mm, mmm mm. Usually when she shows that much thigh you know the videos aren't going to be all that good. I wish you could see her. Whoa, now her sidekick guy is coming out. Ho-hum. John Cacajuetes or something like that. They always say his name so fast that it's as if it were a secret. I'm a guy so I'm not the one to judge man-flesh, so I can't tell you if he's good looking. Know this: either alone or in concert, these two people are a vast improvement over the disastrous Bob Saget who used to host this show. I'm glad they fired him. He seemed to think that it was "The Bob Saget Show With Almost No Videos" which might have been fine if he was funny. He was not funny.Now they're showing a video. A heavy woman is walking down a rickety wooden stairway, must be at some backwoods amusement park or campground, I can't really tell. It's in the woods, in any case. Don't let go of the rail, lady! Shit, now she's waving at the camera, both arms up over her head, Hey hey, look at me! Wonderful, you're walking down the steps. We know where this is going. She falls backwards, hits her head and her spine on the steps, and then slides and bumps down ten more steps. Quit laughing and filming this and call the goddam paramedics! I don't know why this is supposed to be funny. They never show the aftermath, which in this case would be this tragically obese woman, stunned, rolling over and getting on all fours in the dirt and the pine needles, crying, her life is hard enough and now her "loved ones" are standing around laughing with gusto. Her head and spine need immediate attention but no, in America you have to jump up and make a joke about it or you're a "poor sport". Now they cut back to shots of the studio audience, people literally lunging forward in their seats, they're laughing so hard. They catapult big wads of cruelty, secure in their little niche in this heartless though well-dressed crowd. Daisy is doing that wide-mouth laugh, showing a lot of teeth, maybe a slight overbite which looks good on her. John is practicing his 3/4 sidelong look with a little curlicue smile.
On quickly to another video. A man at a wedding reception jumps up on a round table to dance. Memo to drunken idiots: round tables with just a single center post are inherently unstable. Sure enough, the table falls and the guy falls to the floor, striking his spine on the edge of the table, his head on the flat surface of the table, and then his head again on the floor. Abrupt end to video; you know he probably died.
Now we see a little kid getting ready to blow out candles on a big cake. He falls face-first into the cake. He cries while everyone else laughs. Hey, Mom: before laughing can you shut off the goddam camera, wipe the icing off the kid's face, and make sure your kid didn't get burned or have a candle rammed into his eyeball? Please? Maybe you can save his eye if you TURN OFF THE CAMERA! Back to the studio. Daisy seems to have changed clothes, probably backstage. Less leg showing but now a sleeveless top, mighty fine. She's laughing and shaking her hair back and forth behind her. I don't know if she's watching the same videos or if they just film these intro segments all at once. Anyway, she's talking about how adorable that little kid was. She always raves about the toddlers and babies, I think she wants to have a baby herself.
On to more videos. A quick set of animal funnies. Cats, dogs, hamsters, birds, all falling off of things. Close-ups of delirious audience members screaming with laughter. The cat fell!!! HA! HA! HA! Wait, the dog fell too! I never!!
Now a junk car sitting near a stand of trees. A dim-witted voice-over says "There's my car, by the trees." Yep, we all film our cars just sitting there. This couldn't possibly be a staged situation, and I would never guess that a tree is going to fall on the car. But wait! The voice-over says "Uh-oh" and by golly a tree falls on the car! How!? Laugh, everyone, laugh. Laugh at the enigma of woody stem crashing into ancient tin and steel. Laugh, oh laugh oh laugh; laugh ye merry men and women at the stinging irony.
This is getting too boisterous. Thank goodness there are lots of commercials. Look: I can't describe every video. They are basically all variations on what I've given you so far. The majority involve head and spinal injuries. A lot with animals falling. Kids falling, yelling in church, mouthing off to authority. Construction projects that collapse suddenly onto someone's vehicle. Heavy people demolishing playground equipment built to support no more than 50 pounds. Fat little boys in painfully tight bathing suits doing the Macarena (thank God you're blind during this segment).
Finally we seem to have reached a summation of sorts. Daisy is explaining something about three finalists, and she tells the audience to vote for their favorite. Great. The finalists are never my favorites (cheerleaders slipping on wet grass; they asked for it, man). This week the finalists are 1) Mouthy Liar Boy; 2) Fence Falling Dog; and 3) Groin-hitting Senile Rake Man. There's always a mouthy kid, and they always win. OK, the audience is voting electronically. Daisy opens an envelope, throws one last mysterious flirty look at the camera and announces the foregone conclusion: Mouthy Liar Boy wins. Now Daisy goes over to interview the Mouthy Liar Boy, who looks like he's five years older and meaner than when his video was made. You'll never know what this pugnacious low-browed monster had to say, because I changed the channel before he could mouth more lies. We'll reload and watch again next week.