June 13, 1999
In this weekly column, The God of Thunder fields your questions about life, death, and general cosmology.Q: Dear Thor: My boyfriend has asked me to marry him. I am 21 and he is 25. He has a good job and I am about to graduate from college with a double degree in finance and home economics. I have a perfect body featuring large, round bosoms. What should I do? Signed, Babbette.
A: Dear Babbette: Smite your boyfriend with a thunder hammer; smite him, I say, and be done with him.
Q: Dear Mister God of Thunder: My neighbor built a fence that, in my opinion, is on my side of the property line. Not being the confrontational sort, I had a professional survey done late one night so he wouldn't see that I doubted his honesty. Sure enough, his fence is two feet over on my side of the line. I have three questions: a) how should I approach my otherwise good neighbor with this information; b) how should I react if he becomes angry; and c) what should I do if he does not move his fence? Signed, Carl.
A: My Dear Timid Carl: a) Smite the fence with a thunder hammer; b) smite thy neighbor with a thunder hammer; and c) this point is moot, as both the fence and the neighbor will have been smitten into burning smithereens in a) and b).
Q: Thor: A steak dinner is riding on your answer. My brother-in-law says that it is a faux pas to eat dessert with a salad fork, and I say that this multiple-fork thing is a scam perpetrated by the silverware-industrial complex, in collusion with the etiquette book industry. What say you? Signed, Timothy.
A: Timothy: I have good news for you. Collect your steak dinner from your pretentious brother-in-law. Then smite him with a thunder hammer; smite him, I say. Then, please take the time to search through his house and smite, with a thunder hammer, any fancy forks that you discover there. If you don't, I will.
Q: Dear Mister Thor: My name is Michael I am in the third grade. Our teacher told us to write a letter to a famous person. Here is my letter to you. How are you? I like pudding and baseball. I have a dog named Curly the dog because he has curly hair. My favorite color is orange what is your favorite color? Please write a letter to me. Sincerely, Your Friend Michael Sawyer.
A: Dear Mikey: Thank you for your charming letter. I have so much extra time on my hands that I was very glad to hear about you, your pudding, your baseball, and your dog Curly. Is lightning considered a color at your school? If not, then let's just say that my favorite color is "sudden loud yellow". What is your teacher's name? Where does she live? Please respond quickly. Your friend, Thor. P.S. I have a shiny thunder hammer.
Q: Dear Thor, God of Thunder: Hey, buddy, you and me are a lot alike. I can see me and you sitting up there on Mount Olympus, swapping stories and drinking a couple of brewskies. I told my friends about this and they say I'm right, I'm just like you and we would probably be great buddies because I know how you think and I have a lot of the same ideas as you, except you're famous and you get all the credit. That's okay, man, you can have the credit for our ideas if you want it that bad. I feel good just knowing that we're like identical twins in most ways and that I can pretend I'm you when you're not around and people think it's cool that they're talking to Thor, only they don't know it's really me because I give off such a cool Thor vibe. Don't worry! When you're around YOU are THE MAN. See you later. Signed, Jim "Thor" Thomas.
A: Dear Jim: I shall smite you quite hard with my thunder hammer. I live in Asgard, not on Mount Olympus; however, please do not misconstrue this as an invitation to visit my home. If you are so very much like me, then you know that it is pointless to try to hide from me. Your remaining time will best be spent getting your worldly affairs in order. See you soon.
Q: Dear Sir: I just turned sixteen and I have a big problem. I'm doing well in high school and I want to go to a good college. The problem is that there is a gang of kids that sell drugs and mug people and rob stores. They are trying to make me join them and I'm afraid I will have to either join them or constantly be getting into fights. My mom says I should not join the gang because that will ruin my future, and I also shouldn't fight because that will make me as bad as them and besides there are lots of them and just one of me-I could get hurt badly. I just want to finish high school in once piece. Can you please give me your advice? Signed, Geoff in Boston.
A: Dear Geoff: My heart aches for you and your mother. Society would be much better off if people such as you were in the majority. Unfortunately, you are the exceptions to the rule. Now my answer to your dilemma: You have more options than you indicate in your letter to me. You do not have to join the gang or fight the gang as you suppose, and you do not have to skulk and hide and avoid the gang as your mother supposes. Nay, instead you should take an active role in converting the gang members into productive citizens like yourself. First, you should approach their leaders and offer them a voice in the student government at your school. They probably have never had anyone ask their opinion as to how the school should be run. As a result, they seek to dictate school policy through the use of force. Engage them in reasoned debate and their intellects will flower. After they become used to public speaking and parliamentary procedures, you might invite them to participate, with you, in the annual Youth United Nations Symposium in which young people of all nations come together and emulate their elders in attempting to devise cooperative solutions to the world's problems. Having gained their trust, you should then organize a Springtime field trip to a working farm. I say Springtime because many animals give birth in the Spring. You and your new friends will be able to witness the miracle of birth up close; you will be stunned by the sight of your former drugging, mugging, robbing friends, weeping as they cradle newborn foals, lambs, and piglets in their arms. This last bit is very important: sit in the back of the bus on the ride back to the city. People your age do not change their fundamental nature, which is unfortunate. When everyone dozes off on the bus, you have the element of surprise on your side, which is important when you are severely outnumbered. Run swiftly up the aisle of the bus, with a thunder hammer in each hand. Smite each and every one of your "friends" with a thunder hammer and be done with them. Don't tell your mother. Good luck!